12 step aspies

people often think i'm cold, mean, or don't like them because i don't talk to them. but its usually just because i have nothing to say.

people often think i'm cold, mean, or don't like them because i don't talk to them. but its usually just because i have nothing to say.

people often think i'm cold, mean, or don't like them because i don't talk to them. but its usually just because i have nothing to say.

people often think i'm cold, mean, or don't like them because i don't talk to them. but its usually just because i have nothing to say.

duh.

Aspies are literal. Grounded. Virgos in Leo suits. Virgos with moon in Leo.

"i'm so excited for you!" (until recently i was under the impression this was only a figure of speech)--Yes, actually FEELING emotions. I do get the negative emotions but not the positive it seems. Leaky one one side. I fear excitement.

I'm hungry.

now the whole concept of AA is to open up your feelings, your heart, be honest and open...it may be the right answer but it's so overwhelming we drown. Some have pearls for eyes pearls before swine except after tea.

Hell YES there's something wrong with me.
If we can't admit it, we can't work around it.
Feed the demon or starve him? A starving demon is ferocious

 Peri-verbal children need to slow down and say what they need, rather than first cry out in pain.

Don't shame the pain. You don't shame a baby for crying. But some do. Some punt them into walls and they break. Because baby's behavior hurts father. Fucking narcissist.

There was a misunderstanding with Mary Ann the Night of the Knives. I remember feeling no one would ever understand and therefore no one could help me. Because of the fallacy: only one person can o halp me! A fallacy facilitated by the narcissist. a long tangled story. Not violent, I hyperbolize. That was/is the nut of the problem. I can't be bothered otherwise.

Hypersensitivity leads to numbness. Don't scratch don't itch. Pretend it doesn't bother you. It bothers me it bothers me then DO something to change it I can't you can you have you will I love you.

snatched from you when you needed it most. 13. Poor little girl. A good girl. A sweet girl gone sour. Gone bitter. Gone cold.

To what degree, narcissist? stop the blame.
Blame is an ugly word, isn't it? Where does it come from?
same root as blasphemy

I've taken some very bad advice in my day. Some of it my own but still...I have a hard time accepting you have my best interest at heart whatever it is you are offering or saying or doing'

the more you are aware of this and seek to reassure me, the more I assume you are a slick operator who knows how to

pseudo-soothe

to death. and beyond.

like, Hamlet, it's not the death part but the "what if what comes after is worse than this shit here" part that stings of slings and arrows

separate what IS from how I FEEL about it.

help me break out of this confusion
that I deliberately put myself in because
I cannot abide the clarity.

I CANNOT ABIDE THE CLARITY for emphasis, sorry for screaming. I know some of you are sensitive so I'll stop screaming now...Michelle wouldn't. She said she couldn't. Lower her voice. because I PTSD when she screams. Therapist asked her. She said "No. You can't expect me to change. That's expecting too much." I should have listened more closely.

You have to change to meet their ever-changing expectations mutate yourself like a gummy worm, melted. sour. sticky sweet. unreal

city
unreal.

ts have aspergers? Probably. All dorky semi-genius authors/poets/mathematicians are. No match for the truly smart. That's what they don't understand. That's why they think we are arogant about being smart. Honey, you don't know from smart. Smart is waaay up there out of both our reaches.

Paint it Black--anti-hero blows head off. Then it happens IRL twice and I think I know how to handle it. I take on pain but not joy why?

Joy is intruding. Joy is coveting. Joy is bad. Masturbatory. How dare you steal my joy and call it yours can't we share? no.

a person with Aspergers trapped in a glass menagerie abusive way. Fairy tale abuse. Sparkly surface shame shame shame under the skirts.

No way to say, "stop. someone help me stop this person or get me out of here." No I couldn't say that. do I expect a magic wand?
How dare I? I should take care of it myself. I couldn't. Disability. Drugs. Alcohol. None of it worked. I couldn't do it myself.

But I can't ask you for help. Trust me. You'll be sick of me with 48 hours. Don't even try. The unfillable hole. I would not subject anyone to trying to help me.

How dare anyone expect me? To help them? If they are as sick as me...no only one as sick as me is willing to help me. So who can I trust to help me? Even those reaching out their hands are the sick ones.

So what am I saying about you? And how do you feel about it?

I can't imagine....I'm thinking too fast to imagine, but I believe I should stop here and try.


one time I tried verbally to open and I was told "I have never in my LIFE heard anyone so whiny and negative." Never? Not one? Look in the mirror...but that's besides the point it's about acting the role, playing the part of the sane person. One who needs help asking for help but gets whacked on the head every time like those gophers in that arcade game where you bop them with a mallet fast as you can for most points don't let that gopher go far up out of the rabbit hole.

Wait, this was about you. I better shut up now. To spare you. I don't get that not-talking means I don't like you or don't think of you or wouldn't help you if you needed just ask.

But I know it's weird to be so shut away. Not enjoying the day. I live in paradise. I spend all time I don't absolutely have to be doing something else in bed reading or writing or FBing
I absolutely have to do something else.

So I impose myself on the well ones and they turn away. Cooties. I haz them

They understand on a detached level. Not the level that actually has to do things like spend time or return phone calls. No I don't persist. I stopped that in my teens. It gets you no where.

Why can I see one thing and not all others? How do I stop this squirrel cage and maintain an identity. I'm nuts...I'm fucking nuts...these are punch lines keep it light.